Fortifying

Dad gave me a beautiful pair of diamond earrings for my birthday. Someone drove him to a jewelry store and he picked them out and sent them to Madison. "I wanted you to have something really nice, Lisa, because you are just so great." I think Heather got a similar gift/sentiment in October.

I'm torn up.

Linda sent us an e-mail a few days ago that laid out the plain truth -- dad's deteriorating and probably not going to get much better. He'll have good and bad days, but possibly never really good days. And lately the bad seem to outnumber the good. His nurse clinician at Cleveland Clinic told Linda this is common progression for brain cancer. Linda thinks it's time we start looking into hiring a nurse for Dad when she's not around -- to keep him safe. When he feels okay, he's doing things like getting up on a ladder ... not a good idea. And Linda's health will soon suffer, too, if she doesn't get some help.

I'm torn up because I am so far away, unable to help. I quit my job -- for a variety of reasons -- but that should give me more flexibility to go stay with Dad for weeks at a time during the next months. To think about leaving my girls and Scott for weeks at a time ... But in church this morning my mind drifted during the sermon and I just kept thinking, "Lisa, start fortifying yourself."

Listen, I'm not trying to say the end is near or there is absolutely no hope (although hope seems to be fleeting). But I've got to face reality and muster strength to face whatever may be ahead for our family. I know so many people going through similar struggles. And I know there are millions of others going through even grander struggles. It's not like we're the first humans to be challenged. But I'm feeling particularly weak at the moment. I'm angry and incredibly sad. And tired. I want to get together with my sister and her family and Dad over the holidays and just laugh and enjoy. I don't want to look cancer in the face. But ... no choice in the matter.

Nine years ago this fall we started fortifying ourselves to face Mom's death. I was 7 months pregnant with Anna. Heather was newly engaged. Fall's always been my favorite time of year. It was Mom's favorite time, too. I can still hear her humming around the house, making her list of fall duties. She loved raking leaves and gathering the Borns for the holidays. She loved waking up at 4 a.m. on Thanksgiving to make a turkey. When we faced that awful fall of 2000, I thought I'd never again be able to enjoy this season. I started seeing it as the time of year when everything starts dying.

But it actually didn't take long for me to see that fall is the beginning of harvest season when seeds are born, fields are fed compost and things in general are prepared for a short nap before that burst of life in spring. So the end is also the beginning.

Again, I'm not trying to predict what's going to happen to Dad. Damn, maybe he will be cured! Wouldn't that be something??? Only someone as unique and stubborn as Bill would beat this bitch-of-a-disease.