Why

The girls, Scott and I went camping with friends this past weekend, giving Linda and Bill some peace and quiet. Sounds like they had a low-key Saturday then Sunday ventured to the International Crane Foundation near Baraboo -- only place in the world where you can see all 15 species of cranes. As with anything animal- or nature-related, Dad loved it. Sunday was also Linda's birthday, so we celebrated when we all got home with strawberry sundaes. The kids wondered why poor Grandma Linda only got a handful of cards and Grandpa got "like more than 100!" Dad enjoyed teasing Linda about his popularity while at the same time commenting, "I didn't know that many people even like me!"

Things are still going well for Dad, although he's tiring out quicker, has a short fuse at times and seems to be sick of dealing with cancer. Can ya blame him? Even though we've succeeded in enjoying time as a family, we just can't seem to kick the fact that we're dealing with this awful disease. I was taking a walk with Dad last night. He's still a fast walker! But as we cut our walk short and talked about muscle atrophy, I couldn't help but think "why, why, why..."

Why does Dad have brain cancer? How did he get it? Why do Heather and I have to watch another parent suffer? Why does Linda have to go through a second husband's battle with terrible disease? Why couldn't we just have had the summer as planned, including a wedding on Put-in-Bay?

Beyond our immediate family, why does my dear friend's 7-year-old daughter have leukemia? Why did a local Madison family disintegrate when parents died in a car accident on a family vacation leaving 3 orphaned children? Why did another dear friend lose her job? Why is my aunt's health failing at such a young age? Why are we still in Iraq with a dear marine friend having to leave his young family for more than a year? Why, why, why?

After Dad's first brain surgery, his neurosurgeon broke the news to us in the waiting room that he most likely had brain cancer. We were still hoping that it was benign or some other abnormality. Brain cancer was worse case scenario. I lost it right there in front of a bunch of other stressed out family members, waiting for their own news. I wailed and wailed and mumbled and drooled and probably looked like someone in desperate need of a sedative. I finally went into the bathroom where I picked up a garbage can and threw it across the floor. Looking back, I'm surprised they didn't call security! But all I could process were two words: "NO" and "WHY?"

Anxiously waiting for Dad to get out of his second surgery at UW a few weeks ago, Pastor Jeff walked up to us for a visit. Heather, Scott, Linda and I had all been through this routine before: You are given 4+ hours to wait while a loved one is in brain surgery. Too much thinking time. I felt all the feelings bubbling up: anger, sadness, fear. Jeff asked questions and listened. This is a pastor who really has found his true calling. I'm sure my own question to him came out sounding very childish, but I asked it: "Jeff, why does God allow this to happen?"

He told us about what drove him into ministry: His father died when he was a young man, and he wanted to find answers. He told us about another very serious family issue that brought him to a low point in his life. Here was a man of religion not giving rote answers just to bring comfort but offering up his own humanity as testament to faith. The closest he came to answering my "Why?" question was another question: "A fallen world?" Jeff believes that God is not the puppeteer orchestrating all these awful things -- cancer, war, poverty -- as punishment or to test us. God is lifting us up (through friends, family, nature) as we trudge through the deep thickets on our way to the open meadows and cool streams. We all have both in our lives.

Maybe it is a fallen world. I have no answer but continue to pray for those who are sad and suffering, including my own family. We are lucky to have each other ...

When we go camping, one of the highlights for me is craning my neck to look at the night sky. Outside of the city, in pitch black, a clear sky of stars is a diamond-studded antidote to any kind of negative feeling. The world may be falling, but stars still hang on our wall.